I'm Feeling A Combination Of Rage And Shame

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived triplets called Intent, Impact and Context. Between them, they contained all the wisdom in the land. Unfortunately, they didn’t get on. Because each one felt they were the most important.

Context saw the big picture, Intent understood the plan, and Impact felt the emotion. But because they could never quite agree, they were each convinced the others were wrong.

In my article, The Remarkably Unpopular Tale Of Black Progress, I wrote about how the failure—and even an occasional reluctance—to balance these viewpoints warps our conversations about racism. 

This conversation is much longer than I’d usually post. In fact, this is the first post where I’ve edited some of the replies for length. And they're still pretty long. 

But we hit some points on the “impact vs. intent” spectrum really cleanly. And while we obviously don’t see eye to eye, I appreciate Marnita’s honesty about her emotions and how they shape her worldview.

If only she’d been as diligent about reading the article…

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Marnita:

I have been giving a lot of thought to this article. When someone labels people who cannot defend themselves I become like Marty McFly in Back to the Future being called a chicken. According to neuroscience that's just being human.

I strongly recommend that you learn more about neuroscience. I am going to give some really strong pushback on a number of fronts. You are freely engaging in negativity bias while labeling Black people as engaging in negativity bias. Pay attention to what you pay attention! Humans are hard-wired to over-focus on negativity. https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618

To quote the article: "Where Negative Bias Comes From Our tendency to pay more attention to bad things and overlook good things is likely a result of evolution. Earlier in human history, paying attention to bad, dangerous, and negative threats in the world was literally a matter of life and death. Those who were more attuned to danger and who paid more attention to the bad things around them were more likely to survive. This meant they were also more likely to hand down the genes that made them more attentive to danger."

[…]

We couldn't be so "mired in negativity" and achieve the progress we have so clearly made. You feel a need to label the behavior as though we are the only people who engage in it "afro-pessimism" when in fact all humans engage in such behavior.

Some of the behavior can be as light as not wanting to "jinx" our luck. I know whenever I said "Do you think Obama might have a chance of winning" wasn't about his excellence or abilitiies but more to do with not wanting to "jinx" the possibility. Just like when my white son doesn't want to say "the twins will win today."

I would be a lot more optimistic to be honest until I encounter the complete negativity of your column.

Why couldn't YOU write a positive column about our people. Why did you have to turn our positive achievements into a negative indictment against us? The very people who are doing all of this rising, striving, achieving. You used our very striving, rising and achieving as a chance to bash us collectively as a group.

Every human has a need to belong. I was told to go back to where I came from in 2018. Standing in front of the house I grew up in. I was called a bitch by the owner and he threatened to get a gun if I didn't get off the block.

That he engaged in that behavior and I tell the story doesn't take away from the fact that I am also a CEO and do amazing work in the community and am well respected. But I am also not welcome in my home town because of the color of my skin. in 2023.

So there is good and bad. Pay attention to what you pay attention.

Pot. Stop calling the kettle black!

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Steve QJ:

“When someone labels people who cannot defend themselves”

I'm not doing this Marnita.

This article is not a condemnation of black people. Far from it. It's not an attempt to label anybody. It's pointing to a real problem, that has many causes, from within and without the black community, that affects black people negatively.

I have a reasonable laypersons' understanding of neuroscience. And yes, all humans engage in negativity bias. What I'm saying is that, for various reasons, black people are hit with a combination of negativity bias, availability bias (the hyperfocus on negative black stories in news and music and movies), and hypervigilance (the default presumption in stories that affect black people that racism is the cause).

This combination is psychologically toxic for black people. It's a web that any category of people could be in. But that some number of black people are in. The fact that you've taken an article aimed at positivity about black progress, and turned it into some kind of an attack, simply could not be a more prefect example of the problem I'm pointing to. I even predicted this response in the article itself:

"Some people will read these facts and feel as if they’re under attack. They’ll rack their brains for evidence of black struggles or handwave these examples of progress away as trivial. They’ll react as if allowing even a moment of positivity is a betrayal."

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Marnita:

This column wasn't "aimed at positivity." It's aimed at shaming Black people for not demonstrating the appropriate level you deem as "positive" for the accomplishments we've made. Those aren't the same things.

The gains are real. But why not celebrate them? Why frame our gains instead as some kind of weakness or blight. Why not lift up Surya Bonaly's voice. Why not lead by example? Why not be positive then. I have an IQ that's close to 200. I am a CEO that brings people together across difference.

Whatever you are saying you are doing. It's negative. It's not having the impact that you want it to have.

It's making me feel a combination of rage and shame.

You aren't allowing for a moment of "positivity." You are burying the positivity with random, anonymous people. Internet trolls and holding those up as examples of the "blight on the Black psyche." Maybe it's just me. But articles that are lifting up the positive advances we've made don't often have words like "Blight" in them.

[…]

This isn't a "moment of positivity." You are using our progress as a bludgeon against us. Merely an opportunity to put us down for speaking out that even though we've made progress there is still work to do.

I as a Black woman has made these gains. I help other people make gains every single day. We've made these gains. You didn't make the accomplishments I've made. I made those gains. Black people made those gains. Individually. Collectively. We had to make the gains. We had to get up every single day and make those gains. To do that we had to be relentlessly joyous and positive.

I am giving pushback. This is a hugely negative column that could have been positive. You could have modeled the positivity that you demand from others. Do the same column without feeling a need to chide, condescend and dismiss black people's concerns and voices.

I am sorry that you don't know when you are being aggressively offensive. The idea that we are capable of excellence and progressing isn't remotely challenging or offensive. Your low opinion of Black people is what I'm talking about. Words like "blight on our psyche" Sure. That's positive language.

Are we just too stupid to know that we are achieving these goals? Did I imagine all the checks I had the privilege to write and celebrate from all of my community nieces and nephews their graduations from high school, college, masters and PhD programs these past few weeks? That I had to figure out how I was to crisscross my city multiple times to celebrate with all of the proud, hardworking families?

I saw a whole lot of Black celebration and joy this weekend. I was right there in thick of it. Celebrating. Leading. Honoring. Pushing people foward.

Your column is the antithesis of that ethos. It is shaming. Denigrative. Blaming. It's not remotely "positive." It uses our accomplishments as weapons against us.

Of course we can and do celebrate our accomplishments. That doesn't mean we can't call out racism too. Those two things aren't remotely at odds.

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Steve QJ:

“This column wasn't "aimed at positivity." It's aimed at shaming Black people for not demonstrating the appropriate level you deem as "positive" for the accomplishments we've made.”

Yes, yes. Please tell me more about what my own article is about. You definitely understand the intent behind it better than the person who wrote it.

Why on Earth would I be interested in shaming black people? Seriously, why? If you need to make a claim this ridiculous, maybe your underlying assumptions are wrong.

Whether you like it or not, whether you agree with me or not, every word I write is aimed at benefiting the black community. Sometimes that means pointing to problems within the black community. And in this case, it's a problem of mindset.

The presumption of racism, the feeling of being under constant attack, the blindness or refusal to acknowledge progress, this is a real problem that afflicts some black people. It can only ever hurt them. It doesn't change society, it doesn't empower young black people (quite the opposite), it certainly doesn't hurt racists, it just leads to anxiety and hopelessness that is hard to justify when you take an honest look at the world.

I did lift up Surya Bonaly, by pointing out that, despite the claims about what happened to her, this was a black woman in her prime exerting her agency on the biggest stage in the world. It maddens me that her story of courage and character has been reduced to a tale of victimhood. But that's happened because of the mindset I'm talking about.

If you feel rage and shame, I'm truly sorry. Obviously that's not my intent. But I'm not going to let you hold me responsible for your feelings. If you felt triggered by the article, maybe that points to something worth examining. Again, and this is another important point the article makes, the fact that you feel a certain way, doesn't mean things are that way.

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Marnita:

A few years ago I was in Playa Del Carmen with my husband. We were lunching on Ave. 5 when I caught sight of this beautiful woman with a tattoo of a beautiful woman on her leg. And I pointed out this beautiful woman to my husband.

As we walked back to our condo he turned to face me and he said something like “you may not be the most beautiful woman in the world, but I love you anyway.”

I knew what he meant. That I didn’t have to be the most beautiful woman in the world to be worthy of his love. That even when I got wrinkly and old. Infirm. That he would love me. But he way he said it, all I could do was laugh and say “mayday, mayday, the plane is going down.” I still tease him “you remember that day when you said “you are a hideous hag, but I love you even if you do have a wart on your nose.”

His intent was to say something super sexy and sweet. But the way he said his compliment was the same as saying “that dress doesn’t make your ass look as fat as it normally does.” Damning with faint praise. The backhanded compliment.

There is a huge difference between intent and impact. My intent is to point out that we can know about Black excellence and our gains and still want to keep pushing forward. For most of us these stories are deeply painful and deeply personal.

Remember the aphorism, the road to hell was paved with good intentions. Your disingenuous argument that anyone who disagrees with you is doing so because we can’t stand the truth of how far we’ve come is truly insulting. I believe your intent was to be insulting was it not?

That I was “proof” of your argument, because I disagree with your analysis. I have never been a fan of assuming other people’s intent is. So I am talking about your impact. Ask the Black women that are giving pushback and the white men who are showing support. Did you feel that this was a column about positive Black progression? Do you feel I was using Black progress to slam the very people who are working hard every day to make progress? You do know there is IRL? Because I am a community based participatory action researcher (lifting up the voices of communities that may be pushed to the margins) I have a ton of access and technical expertise. I did a quick sampling in Minneapolis. At 14 graduation parties of young Black people not a single person of any generation had seen the viral video. Maybe because they all are actually doing and accomplishing something. They are out in the world getting degrees, lifting up their communities. Lifting up their families. Moving through the world.

[…]

There is a saying in the media “if it bleeds it leads.” I couldn’t find a single negative thing said about Surya Bonaly. You had to dig to find those comments. Just like you denied the humanity of people who don’t want to jinx things.

Whatever your intent you aren’t inspiring or uplifting. You are denigrative and insulting. So instead of moving our communities forward I also have to fight your overwhelming negativity and disrespect. Which you keep denying your impact as being negative. I mean when you make one of the most positive people on the planet waste hours of time attempting to convince you that your intent and impact are in no way aligned that you couldn’t possible be wrong.

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Steve QJ:

“I knew what he meant. That I didn’t have to be the most beautiful woman in the world to be worthy of his love. That even when I got wrinkly and old. Infirm. That he would love me.”

So your husband intended to express a rather beautiful sentiment. You understood that intent. But you decided to punish him for doing so? And still, years later, you further distort what he said instead of allowing yourself to accept the expression of love he made?

I don't think you're the hero of this story Marnita.

It wasn't a backhanded compliment. It was a compliment. It was imperfectly expressed, sure. But your feelings about yourself are the stumbling block. That's what's creating the "impact." Not your husband's feelings about you. I'd suggest that the same is true here.

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Marnita:

Sorry for the wall of words. I’m neurodivergent.

That’s what you got out of that story? It was hilarious! As the words came out of his mouth his face began to cloud over because as he said it he realized that he was crashing and burning in this very romantic moment. We both threw our heads back and laughed and laughed and laughed. This story is woven into our hearts. That you saw it as a story of “insecurity” helps me understand you.

I told the story to demonstrate that you can have wonderful intention and still entirely mangle the sentiment.

Now, I am more obsessed by the idea now that you don’t know that looking deeply into your woman’s eyes and saying “you may not be as beautiful as that woman you just pointed out to me” isn’t a compliment. If you want it to be a compliment you say “you are so beautiful.” Bad form to compare your woman with other women.

Also you put me as an ambitious and high profile Black woman into a very difficult position. You are now calling me “boastful” for giving you my credentials while touting how far we’ve all come. Aren’t I the very embodiment of what you say we should all be acknowledging and noticing? So, we aren’t supposed to talk about any struggles we’ve had as a result of racism—that’s not okay. Also not okay, talking about how we’ve risen and what we’ve accomplished.

Can’t win for losing in these parts. Stop using our success against us. Stop talking down to the people who are rising. Stop mangling the sentiment.

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Steve QJ:

“I told the story to demonstrate that you can have wonderful intention and still entirely mangle the sentiment.”

And, of course, I agree with this. My point is, that the intention is far more important than imperfect wording. Yes, it's bad form to compare your wife to other women. But it's also bad form not to accept somebody's imperfect attempt to be loving with grace. Especially if you're still bringing it up years later.

But hey, that's really none of my business. I only mentioned it because you brought up the story. The wider point is that your story is an almost perfect metaphor for this discussion about race.

Your husband looks into your eyes and says two things. "You may not be the most beautiful woman in the world" and "I love you." And your attention seems to be almost entirely on the clumsiness of the former instead of on the beauty of the latter.

Some black people still face hardships and injustice in 2023, but as a whole, we've also overcome a great deal of struggle and are achieving great things despite the obstacles we face. The collective attention of society is almost entirely on the former. To such an extent that I believe it's disabling. So my article was an attempt to highlight this problem. And also to point out the beauty of the latter.

As I predicted, and as you're ably demonstrating, some people, black and white, feel intense resistance to recognising the latter. And I think it's worth looking inwards as to what might be causing that reaction.

As for boasts, I'm not talking about your professional achievements. I'm very happy for you and your success. Although yes, it's not really relevant to this discussion so one might reasonably wonder why you're talking about it.

I'm just finding it extraordinarily difficult to believe that you have a nearly 200 IQ (this would place you at around 6th in the entire world). Or that, as you said in a reply to somebody else, that your son was reading at a college freshman level while in kindergarten and was told more than 3500 times (seriously?? Did you count?!) that he would only get into college because he's black. Or that every white person who doesn't know him demands to "see his test scores."

Again, I don't know you. Maybe these one in a billion rare things are true in your case, but I have to admit I'm skeptical. This kind of hyperbolic narrative of mistreatment is another good example of the problem I'm talking about.

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There’s a lot in society that makes black people feel as if they’re under attack. 

Some of it is good old-fashioned racism. Some of it is the distrust that comes from centuries of injustice. Some of it is the media’s hunger for narratives they can spin as racial oppression. And some of it is the knee-jerk cynicism that has sprung from all of this.

It’s impossible to have a serious conversation about race without recognising all of this.

It’s unserious to ignore context when talking about black people’s overrepresentation in police interactions. It’s silly to ignore intent when demonising people for microaggressions and “cultural appropriation.” But it’s also irrational to ignore the impact that racial bias has on the human psyche. 

Impact, intent and context. This is as close as we get to a recipe for understanding the human condition. The tricky part is just keeping them in balance.