Yes, Amber, There's A But

Every now and then (thankfully very rarely), I’m overcome by the urge to throw up my hands, curl into the foetal position, and end it all in a bathtub filled with Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food (yes, Phish Food is obviously the best ice cream to drown oneself in).

I think a lot of us have moments like this.

The world can be so frustrating, people can be so cruel, basic rationality seems so far beyond some people’s reach, that it’s hard not to despair.

In her article, Yes, It’s All Men, a writer named Julie Cohen wrote about her despair after the murder of Sarah Everard. And tells her own story of being harassed by three men on a journey home after a night out. Unfortunately, her solution to this horrible problem is to blame all men and tell us to “do the work.”

I asked for clarification that Julie didn’t provide. But another reader, Amber, stepped in.

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Steve QJ:

“…then men: you have to do the work.”

Before I say anything else, I want to say, for what it's worth, how sorry I am for what you went through here and how wrong it is. I've seen and intervened in this kind of behaviour more than a few times and it's sickening. There's no excuse. Alcohol, "boys being boys", what you were wearing, none of it is relevant to how disgusting and wrong their behaviour was.

But here it is. The vague, "accusatory without being helpful" advice that I see coming from victimised groups at the end of their anecdotes. Women, people of colour, the LGBT community, it's always anger towards an entire group of people for the sins of a few, and then, if the members of that evil group want redemption, they need to "do the work".

What work?! What work done by #allmen would allow you to see that it's a #tinyminorityofmen? Does that minority deserve our condemnation? Of course! Should more men stand up and speak out and make it clear that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable? Absolutely! But sadly, truly sadly, that's not the issue at hand.

The man who killed Sarah Everard already knew what he was doing was wrong. He did it anyway. He isn't going to "do the work". He isn't reading articles on Medium about how to be a better ally to women. The men you're talking to here, the ones who care enough to read yet another article telling us how awful we are in the hopes of learning something, are the ones you have an opportunity to reach. So instead of judging us by the standards of the worst people who happen to share our anatomy, why not speak to us *specifically* about how you'd like us to help?

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Amber:

Ah, the "but." Here's one thing men can do to help: When you see other men behaving this way, tell them to knock it off. When you see your friends acting this way, tell them to knock it off. What we almost NEVER see are men telling other men to alter their behavior. What I see time and time again are women having to defend themselves or other women. I have stood up for women and girls being harassed by men and boys in public several times. I have yet to see a man speak up.

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Steve QJ:

Yes Amber, there's a "but". Sorry that anything other than universal agreement is unacceptable in your book.

However, you didn't even have to read down to the "but" to see that I already do that. I've stepped in numerous times and will continue to do so. Many men hate to see this behaviour just as much as you do.

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Amber:

Okay. Then why are you asking what you should do? Clearly there are not enough men calling this behavior out in other men. It’s the same problem with racism. White people have to be willing to do more work to stop racism. Men need to do more work to stop sexism.

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“It’s the same problem with racism. White people have to be willing to do more work to stop racism.”

As I said in my original comment, the pattern that I was pointing out in Julie’s article is one that I see from all kinds of groups.

Some women treat all men as the enemy. Some black people treat all white people as the enemy. Some politicians treat all Mexicans or all Muslims as the enemy. On and on.

My issue with Julie’s article wasn’t that it highlights a problem with male behaviour, I do that often myself. It’s that it was more likely to alienate men than to encourage them to engage. This is the same problem I have with the “all white people are evil” articles.

Being a member of a marginalised group can be enormously frustrating. I just don’t think demonising other groups is the way to fix that.

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Steve QJ:

There's that phrase again, “do more work”. What work are you doing to end racism might I ask?

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Amber:

Not enough. I am committed to voting for every qualified person of color for every political position I possibly can. For the first time in my life, I've started donating to political campaigns and mostly just for the Black candidates because they probably have less access to funds than white candidates. If I see racism out in public I speak out against it. I try to support Black-owned businesses when I can. I've been trying to read more Black authors.

Last summer there was a huge push in our community to get a young Black man released from jail who has been sitting in jail for 5 years without a trial who is accused of a murder he didn't commit (the murdered woman had an abusive ex who probably did it) and I donated a couple hundred dollars to his defense fund. He's out now, thank God. Is it enough? Nope. But it's better than just standing by and letting things happen. I'm ashamed I wasn't doing that work before. I'm just amazed at how worked up men get when men attack each other, but when a man attacks a woman so many men just sort of shrug their shoulders and walk away.

This woman was being intimidated by three grown-ass men in public. They could have easily overpowered her. What self-respecting man standing by and observing that kind of brute behavior does nothing? But it's because men in general have more respect for men than women and obviously white people in general have more respect for white people than Black people. Anyway, I think we're on the same side. Genuinely sorry I was grumpy with you. Hope you have a great weekend!

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Steve QJ:

“This woman was being intimidated by three grown-ass men in public.”

Yeah, believe me, I think it's absolutely disgusting, and even worse when men stand by doing nothing.

All I'm questioning is the framing. I also hate it when black people talk about #allwhitepeople. We need to get better at recognising each other's humanity beyond the labels.

Anyway, yes, I think we're on the same side. Thanks, hope you're having a great one too.

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In case it wasn’t clear, despite being momentarily on the wrong side of each other, I think Amber is exactly right. It’s a) horrifying that men behave this way ever, and b) infuriating that when men do behave in this way, other men don’t step up more often.

If I knew what “work” would change this, I’d do it gladly. If Amber knew, she’d explain what it is. If Julie knew, that’s what her article would have been about.

But most of the finger-pointing and the admonitions to “do the work” come from the fact that we don’t quite know what work needs to be done. We don’t understand why some people behave in such terrible ways. Much less how to stop them. So we settle for finding somebody to blame.

None of us are smart enough to figure out society’s problems on our own. Which means we’re going to have to talk to each other. And more importantly, listen to each other. We going to have to find ways to understand each other. To humanise each other. To avoid the temptation to demonise our outgroups.

This is why conversation is important. Not because it’s easy, but because it is the work. Even though, sometimes, that work makes that bathtub of Ben & Jerry’s seem extremely appealing.