"As he turned his head and caught my eye I smiled and I thought he looked at me fairly hostilely - not threatening, just that he didn't like me"
Nobody dislikes anybody on sight. It's impossible. They dislike their own mental projection of this person they know nothing about. And in turn, in our own heads, we create a story about what the…
"As he turned his head and caught my eye I smiled and I thought he looked at me fairly hostilely - not threatening, just that he didn't like me"
Nobody dislikes anybody on sight. It's impossible. They dislike their own mental projection of this person they know nothing about. And in turn, in our own heads, we create a story about what they're thinking that somehow involves us. We all do it, myself very much included, but I find it helpful to remember that you simply can't dislike (or like for that matter) somebody you don't know.
If it makes you feel better, I still remember an occasion a few years ago where a woman smiled at me out of the blue. Just a really lovely, friendly smile. But it was so unexpected, and I was so busy thinking about something else, that I didn't respond for a few second, by which time she'd looked away. I still kick myself for it years later!😅
Not because I was hoping to get anything out of it. I don't think she was flirting. It was just such a lovely, human moment and I wish I'd participated. And I was especially sad that she probably thought I'd ignored her or that I'm not a friendly person.
Oh, it's not true you can't dislike someone on sight. Plenty of women have had that feeling, someone you see whom you've never seen before and immediately...you just don't like him. Something about him isn't right. Hard to explain. I don't know that I've ever had it happen with a woman, but our spidey-sense about potentially dangerous or just problematic men sometimes activates. It doesn't happen much, it's just...something about him you don't like. Do I *dislike* the person? Not the way I dislike Donald Trump or the person who stabbed me in the back (figuratively of course) a few years ago, but, it's something beyond wariness.
The dude could have disliked white people, or women, or white women, or, as I expect, maybe I just caught his face the wrong way, esp since it's in a busker's best interests to smile and be friendly with people even while performing since they might drop money into your guitar case. I bet incels dislike 'Stacys' on sight when they meet the tall blonde beauty of their wank dreams. Quite certain *you'd* meet instant dislike if you walked into a Klan meeting with a big smile on your face, lol!
It's why we say "You can't judge a book by its cover," which is 99% true although...sometimes you meet someone from whom you get an instant bad vibe. Or there's something in their eyes...or their eyes rest on you a certain way.
Others, I think they can instantly dislike someone over a particular prejudice, however misplaced that dislike might be. That's the nature of prejudice...disliking people on sight for not looking a certain way.
"Oh, it's not true you can't dislike someone on sight. Plenty of women have had that feeling, someone you see whom you've never seen before and immediately...you just don't like him."
Oh sure, everybody's had that feeling. The point I'm making is, that feeling isn't real.
I guess we should differentiate between a fear reaction, where somebody strikes you as dangerous, and a "dislike" reaction where you just dislike somebody for no apparent reason.
The fear reaction is often not real either, but it's based on long-honed instincts that have kept us safe for thousands of years. We can get it about a doorway, or a path or a strange sound. It can be wrong,I'd argue that it often *is* wrong, but even if it keeps us safe even 20% of the time, it's useful.
But the "dislike" reaction is different. It's no longer about safety but, as you say, prejudice. One could argue that it's the exact same reaction that makes people think, "I don't trust/like you because you're black."
As much as we might believe we can, we can't read people's minds. We can't tell much of anything about their beliefs or character just by looking at them. We make a bunch of assumptions, remember the times when we were right, and instantly forget the vastly greater number of times we were wrong.
"As he turned his head and caught my eye I smiled and I thought he looked at me fairly hostilely - not threatening, just that he didn't like me"
Nobody dislikes anybody on sight. It's impossible. They dislike their own mental projection of this person they know nothing about. And in turn, in our own heads, we create a story about what they're thinking that somehow involves us. We all do it, myself very much included, but I find it helpful to remember that you simply can't dislike (or like for that matter) somebody you don't know.
If it makes you feel better, I still remember an occasion a few years ago where a woman smiled at me out of the blue. Just a really lovely, friendly smile. But it was so unexpected, and I was so busy thinking about something else, that I didn't respond for a few second, by which time she'd looked away. I still kick myself for it years later!😅
Not because I was hoping to get anything out of it. I don't think she was flirting. It was just such a lovely, human moment and I wish I'd participated. And I was especially sad that she probably thought I'd ignored her or that I'm not a friendly person.
Oh, it's not true you can't dislike someone on sight. Plenty of women have had that feeling, someone you see whom you've never seen before and immediately...you just don't like him. Something about him isn't right. Hard to explain. I don't know that I've ever had it happen with a woman, but our spidey-sense about potentially dangerous or just problematic men sometimes activates. It doesn't happen much, it's just...something about him you don't like. Do I *dislike* the person? Not the way I dislike Donald Trump or the person who stabbed me in the back (figuratively of course) a few years ago, but, it's something beyond wariness.
The dude could have disliked white people, or women, or white women, or, as I expect, maybe I just caught his face the wrong way, esp since it's in a busker's best interests to smile and be friendly with people even while performing since they might drop money into your guitar case. I bet incels dislike 'Stacys' on sight when they meet the tall blonde beauty of their wank dreams. Quite certain *you'd* meet instant dislike if you walked into a Klan meeting with a big smile on your face, lol!
It's why we say "You can't judge a book by its cover," which is 99% true although...sometimes you meet someone from whom you get an instant bad vibe. Or there's something in their eyes...or their eyes rest on you a certain way.
Others, I think they can instantly dislike someone over a particular prejudice, however misplaced that dislike might be. That's the nature of prejudice...disliking people on sight for not looking a certain way.
And sometimes it's just the sun's fault.
"Oh, it's not true you can't dislike someone on sight. Plenty of women have had that feeling, someone you see whom you've never seen before and immediately...you just don't like him."
Oh sure, everybody's had that feeling. The point I'm making is, that feeling isn't real.
I guess we should differentiate between a fear reaction, where somebody strikes you as dangerous, and a "dislike" reaction where you just dislike somebody for no apparent reason.
The fear reaction is often not real either, but it's based on long-honed instincts that have kept us safe for thousands of years. We can get it about a doorway, or a path or a strange sound. It can be wrong,I'd argue that it often *is* wrong, but even if it keeps us safe even 20% of the time, it's useful.
But the "dislike" reaction is different. It's no longer about safety but, as you say, prejudice. One could argue that it's the exact same reaction that makes people think, "I don't trust/like you because you're black."
As much as we might believe we can, we can't read people's minds. We can't tell much of anything about their beliefs or character just by looking at them. We make a bunch of assumptions, remember the times when we were right, and instantly forget the vastly greater number of times we were wrong.