Great article. I interfaced with a black UPS driver several years ago and I tried to express empathy toward him by relaying that I had been terribly abused as a child and I could relate to what dehumanization feels like, even if the cause of my pain was a different catalyst. He shamed and blamed me for this attitude and said I would neve…
Great article. I interfaced with a black UPS driver several years ago and I tried to express empathy toward him by relaying that I had been terribly abused as a child and I could relate to what dehumanization feels like, even if the cause of my pain was a different catalyst. He shamed and blamed me for this attitude and said I would never understand and how dare I? I was just trying offer empathy and be supportive.
I felt spun out by that exchange for a long time. It made me feel completely invisible - ironically - one of the wounds I sustained in childhood. But, to him, it didn't matter if he triggered me or caused me harm because I am white, so therefore I am culpable and my humanity is suspect and he felt he didn't have to consider it. End of story.
I think it was at that exact moment when I began battling against woke ideology. If what we need to fix us is the right to dehumanize others, to cause the same harm to others that was sown on our heads (a la Kendi's "more discrimination" invocation), how does this move us forward in any constructive way as a country?
All I was trying to relay to him is that I deeply understand the journey of the victim and can empathize with whatever trials he has had to face and how it must impact him. I wanted him to know how deeply sorry I am that my culture levied that burden on his. But, he chose to cleave to his anger and to not see me - certainly his choice. But, I felt sad that we couldn't connect and commiserate as human beings. I felt sad that he couldn't receive my empathy. I think being open to receiving empathy from others is one of the steps toward healing.
That said, I know how seductive rage is. It feels so good to be angry, especially when it is justified. It took me a long time to realize I was wasting my life on quest for justice that would never be realized. I had to decide to move past my rage before I could begin living a fulfilling life - my rage was sapping my strength and my will and making it very hard to create anything meaningful. Letting it go was hard work, but it is so worth it. Today, I am a whole person. I don't live in fear or anger any longer. So, so worth it.
Plus, and perhaps most importantly, I've won. Those who sought to make me small, who sought to disempower and dehumanize me did NOT win! They didn't crush me. As Maya Angelou would put it, I ROSE! ;-)
"But, to him, it didn't matter if he triggered me or caused me harm because I am white"
I'm really sorry to hear this, and especially sad at how often I hear it. In some people's minds, victimhood (and more precisely, their specific *kind* of victimhood) is what defines your worth as a human being.
I've seen similar attitudes among some feminists who can't see the humanity of men, trans people who can't see the humanity of non-trans people, and yes, people of colour who can't see the humanity of white people. As you say, anger can be seductive. And recognising the humanity of your "oppressor" makes anger at everybody in that group harder to maintain.
That said, I do think it's tricky to compare different forms of victimhood. The ways we experience pain, the journeys it takes us on, are so different and hinge on so many different factors. Even when talking to other black people about racism, I'm reluctant to claim I know what they're going (or have been) through.
The shared foundation of humanity is a great starting point for conversations about our experiences. But as I mentioned to Sophie, even if we were siblings, it likely wouldn't be wise to presume we *understand* how experiences have impacted each other,
Your essential honesty, Steve, is just a beautiful thing. Responses like this show a path forward instead of what becomes, in essence, wallowing in grievance.
I think that (imperfectly but meaningfully) understanding how life is for someone else is very feasible though empathy and contact and learning. But it also seems to be important to have humility, always expressing one's understandings tentatively with willingness to deepen or modify one's understanding, rather than being overly confident. It's easy for somebody to feel misunderstood or even to feel like their pain is being trivialized by what lands as only a superficial understanding.
And awareness of that tension and balance is part of effective empathy in itself.
That said, at times a person does not want to be "understood" and does not want empathy; for example, they may want power or some other outcome. The space of crossing racial lines with empathy is particularly strewn with mines, thanks to the neo-progressive reframing of differences as inherently conflicting view of what is "right" or "true". Accepting diversity of viewpoint is not one of their strong suits.
That sounds like a painful and unfair experience. There's an art to empathy that I find difficult at times --sometimes it feels helpful and appropriate to share a parallel experience as a way of relating or commiserating and sometimes doing that lands poorly and makes the other person feel like I'm trying to shift the convo toward myself and away from them. (I'm not talking about inter-racial conversations specifically, just in general). I'm not always confident in my ability to read a situation and know whether to share a personal story or not.
I think that ups guy treated you with some serious disrespect. Why should your attempts to empathize be discounted? What a bitter person. Please don’t make that the shut down moment - your grace and sharing deserve a better reception.
Thanks, but I'm' doing great - I got over it and he no longer drives in my area. It has made me cautious with regard to how I interface with black people, though. There is a great deal of sensitivity these days.
That said, I wish him well. I hope that he is able to heal his anger and develop a healthy self concept and live a fulfilling life. He deserves it. We all do. :-)
I'm glad you are doing great! But please try not to see one individual's perspective as necessarily representative of an entire community or people's perspective. That's a slippery slope...
Great article. I interfaced with a black UPS driver several years ago and I tried to express empathy toward him by relaying that I had been terribly abused as a child and I could relate to what dehumanization feels like, even if the cause of my pain was a different catalyst. He shamed and blamed me for this attitude and said I would never understand and how dare I? I was just trying offer empathy and be supportive.
I felt spun out by that exchange for a long time. It made me feel completely invisible - ironically - one of the wounds I sustained in childhood. But, to him, it didn't matter if he triggered me or caused me harm because I am white, so therefore I am culpable and my humanity is suspect and he felt he didn't have to consider it. End of story.
I think it was at that exact moment when I began battling against woke ideology. If what we need to fix us is the right to dehumanize others, to cause the same harm to others that was sown on our heads (a la Kendi's "more discrimination" invocation), how does this move us forward in any constructive way as a country?
All I was trying to relay to him is that I deeply understand the journey of the victim and can empathize with whatever trials he has had to face and how it must impact him. I wanted him to know how deeply sorry I am that my culture levied that burden on his. But, he chose to cleave to his anger and to not see me - certainly his choice. But, I felt sad that we couldn't connect and commiserate as human beings. I felt sad that he couldn't receive my empathy. I think being open to receiving empathy from others is one of the steps toward healing.
That said, I know how seductive rage is. It feels so good to be angry, especially when it is justified. It took me a long time to realize I was wasting my life on quest for justice that would never be realized. I had to decide to move past my rage before I could begin living a fulfilling life - my rage was sapping my strength and my will and making it very hard to create anything meaningful. Letting it go was hard work, but it is so worth it. Today, I am a whole person. I don't live in fear or anger any longer. So, so worth it.
Plus, and perhaps most importantly, I've won. Those who sought to make me small, who sought to disempower and dehumanize me did NOT win! They didn't crush me. As Maya Angelou would put it, I ROSE! ;-)
"But, to him, it didn't matter if he triggered me or caused me harm because I am white"
I'm really sorry to hear this, and especially sad at how often I hear it. In some people's minds, victimhood (and more precisely, their specific *kind* of victimhood) is what defines your worth as a human being.
I've seen similar attitudes among some feminists who can't see the humanity of men, trans people who can't see the humanity of non-trans people, and yes, people of colour who can't see the humanity of white people. As you say, anger can be seductive. And recognising the humanity of your "oppressor" makes anger at everybody in that group harder to maintain.
That said, I do think it's tricky to compare different forms of victimhood. The ways we experience pain, the journeys it takes us on, are so different and hinge on so many different factors. Even when talking to other black people about racism, I'm reluctant to claim I know what they're going (or have been) through.
The shared foundation of humanity is a great starting point for conversations about our experiences. But as I mentioned to Sophie, even if we were siblings, it likely wouldn't be wise to presume we *understand* how experiences have impacted each other,
Your essential honesty, Steve, is just a beautiful thing. Responses like this show a path forward instead of what becomes, in essence, wallowing in grievance.
I think that (imperfectly but meaningfully) understanding how life is for someone else is very feasible though empathy and contact and learning. But it also seems to be important to have humility, always expressing one's understandings tentatively with willingness to deepen or modify one's understanding, rather than being overly confident. It's easy for somebody to feel misunderstood or even to feel like their pain is being trivialized by what lands as only a superficial understanding.
And awareness of that tension and balance is part of effective empathy in itself.
That said, at times a person does not want to be "understood" and does not want empathy; for example, they may want power or some other outcome. The space of crossing racial lines with empathy is particularly strewn with mines, thanks to the neo-progressive reframing of differences as inherently conflicting view of what is "right" or "true". Accepting diversity of viewpoint is not one of their strong suits.
That sounds like a painful and unfair experience. There's an art to empathy that I find difficult at times --sometimes it feels helpful and appropriate to share a parallel experience as a way of relating or commiserating and sometimes doing that lands poorly and makes the other person feel like I'm trying to shift the convo toward myself and away from them. (I'm not talking about inter-racial conversations specifically, just in general). I'm not always confident in my ability to read a situation and know whether to share a personal story or not.
Fair point.
I think that ups guy treated you with some serious disrespect. Why should your attempts to empathize be discounted? What a bitter person. Please don’t make that the shut down moment - your grace and sharing deserve a better reception.
Thanks, but I'm' doing great - I got over it and he no longer drives in my area. It has made me cautious with regard to how I interface with black people, though. There is a great deal of sensitivity these days.
That said, I wish him well. I hope that he is able to heal his anger and develop a healthy self concept and live a fulfilling life. He deserves it. We all do. :-)
I'm glad you are doing great! But please try not to see one individual's perspective as necessarily representative of an entire community or people's perspective. That's a slippery slope...
Of course. I still take each person as they come and try to extend benefit of the doubt where I can.