We're Not Allowed To Make Mistakes, Be Vulnerable...Be Human, Period

I didn’t appreciate how important stories were until I started writing seriously. The more I thought about how to communicate well, the more I realised that all communication, literally all communication, is storytelling. 

News stories, religious stories, love stories, scary stories, stories about who we are and who we can become, we’re constantly being sold a story about the world. And it’s never quite the whole truth.

But most persuasive of all are the stories we tell ourselves. Often without even realising it.

In my article, The Woman Who Showed Me How To End Racism, I wrote about how easy it is to tell ourselves a story about the world that isn’t true. And how the expectations created by that false story can shape our lives for better or worse. 

Regan wasn’t sure which story was true. 

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Regan:

Sometimes it's DECADES between when people do any comparison studies about our collective trauma because of how we're typically treated throughout our lives. Not just by people of other ethnicities, but by those who also share it.

Yes, this leaves scars.

A lifetime of variations of this treatment, whether blatant or stealth, from people we thought were friends, to complete strangers...it's not easy to trust who truly DOESN'T have bias.

And is willing to devastate our lives...if we survive certain types of these encounters at all.

It's taken the advent of camera video evidence to prove it. A recent techno aspect, that still sometimes garners disbelief that it's true.

Some of us, might make a mistake, but it's an honest one, that's met with disdain (if not apathy), rather than compassion.

We're not allowed to make mistakes, be vulnerable...be human, period.

I'm not seeing ENOUGH improvement as time goes on.

Indeed, regression...as the world grows smaller, and there are less resources and options for accommodation for our needs.

As if we never had them, or could.

I'm not hopeful.

Not at all.

If I'm lucky enough for someone else being the distraction while I go about my business, that's about all that helps or I could hope for too.

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Steve QJ:

“Some of us, might make a mistake, but it's an honest one, that's met with disdain (if not apathy), rather than compassion.”

It's not about whether the mistake is honest. I have no reason to believe this woman was being insincere or playing the racism card to get out of trouble. I think she genuinely believed she was being singled out because she's black. She was visibly upset about it.

And this is exactly what I find so tragic. Because it so obviously wasn't true.

Yes, black people are allowed to make mistakes and be vulnerable and be human. You do these things countless times every single day. I'm not trying to put you down because you're not acknowledging this, I'm trying to point out that refusing to acknowledge it, telling yourself this false story about the world, only hurts you. Racists, for the most part, are quite happy for you to mistakenly think you're the victim of racism.

As James Baldwin said, you have to let yourself believe that you have a place in the world. That you deserve to walk through the world as if you have a right to be here. He figured that out over sixty years ago. During segregation (although it's true he had to leave America in order to do it). For black people to truly thrive, some of us still need to figure it out today.

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Regan:

No, I didn't say she acted that way to get out of paying, I understand she DID feel singled out. But she DID pay anyway, eventually.

She had no other choice.

I know racists like for black people to "play the victim card".

Because they see ANY challenge to THEIR actual racist behavior as doing so.

I'm confused though, why you think that I had to explicitly say that we ARE allowed to make mistakes, etc...but you're telling me it's a false story about the world.

Maybe that was too general a term.

I mean in MY world of the very diverse city of Los Angeles, and my constant and common encounters or observations within it.

I didn't REFUSE to acknowledge, so much as mentioned a part of it, that is true ALSO.

I love James Balwin. He's said many ingenious and true things about our COLLECTIVE experience as a whole.

Such as to be a Negro with a conscious, is to be in a rage all the time.

Or words to that effect.

I know that many famous blacks like him, Richard Wright, Josephine Baker...were amazed by their experience in EU, to not have to suffer the indignities, segregation and underestimation they experienced here.

But some, that's changing, even there. For others HERE, not as much as we'd like.

I DO walk in my world as if I belong, but it doesn't mean that some people have and do try to punish and hurt me for it.

It takes a special kind of education and keeping one's head on the swivel, to figure out the likely outcome in avoiding or challenging it when it happens.

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Steve QJ:

“She had no other choice.”

Of course! Neither did any of the other passengers! But she was the only person who walked away from that annoying encounter thinking it was personal. This, again, is the issue. The only person who suffers from her telling herself this false narrative about the world is her (and her daughter).

As for why I felt there was a need to explicitly say that we're allowed to make mistakes, it's because you very explicitly claimed that we aren't:

“We're not allowed to make mistakes, be vulnerable...be human, period.”

This is exactly what I'm talking about. This kind of hyperbole has become so automatic, so subconscious, that it just slips out, even when you know it’s not true. It's impossible to argue that having this narrative in your head doesn't affect you and your experience of the world.

And yes, I'm familiar with that Baldwin quote. And it obviously is true. I think it would be more or less impossible for a black person to come of age in 1940/50s America without being enraged. But it's not 1940/50s America anymore. And it's worth noting that Baldwin freed himself from that rage by moving to 1940/50s Paris.

America is very far from racially perfect today, but do you really think the Europe of 80 years ago was better?

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Regan:

I already said that perhaps my statement was too broad, and generalized. But for many of us, it's our experience and true.

So it IS true, and to dismiss that it isn't for enough of us, is equally hyperbolic on your part.

No, it's not 40's 50's America.

But I AM speaking of contemporary America, where it's on video how black people are treated if ONE white person decides to act as if it is, and that black person doesn't "belong" there.

It's been my experience too. Where laughing with my friends, minding my own in the mall, has been met with scolds and threats to be removed by security. I'm NOT exaggerating about that.

And I'm already, an easy going, cool person who doesn't get into making scenes. The white people themselves are doing that, and it's better if I keep cool.

I do know when it IS racism, and when it's not. However, few white people care to help us think OTHERWISE, so if that's what some of us think...however wrong it might be in THAT moment, we don't have much margin (if any) for error.

Keeping cool, is what most of us have had to be taught from childhood. If not, it could be deadly.

That is no exaggeration either.

But it's come at a cost to my health. And Baldwin didn't live long by today's standards. And it's true of several black people of note and excellence, even now.

I've never been to EU to make a comparison of any these decades.

I still go about my day, working hard to maintain my health, and relationships that I treasure with all kinds of people.

But please don't dismiss the very reason why certain successes weren't ruined by people who hated me, who didn't even know me.

And as much for the reason of outclassing them in ways they resented.

Okay?

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Steve QJ:

“But please don't dismiss the very reason why certain successes weren't ruined by people who hated me, who didn't even know me.”

I'm honestly not trying to dismiss your feelings or experiences. How could I? I don't know you or what you've been through either.

Recognising that all humans have a tendency to tell ourselves negative stories, and that black people, especially, are encouraged to focus on those negative stories, is not a claim that racism doesn't exist or is always exaggerated. I'm betting you could ask any black person at random and they could tell you a story about an interaction that was undeniably racist.

I could certainly tell a few.

But again, my point here is that there are many times when we simply can'ttell when it IS racism. No matter how confident we might be.

And given that, as I say in the article, there was nothing this white woman could have said or done to help this lady think otherwise (what's she going to say? "I'm not being racist, I have black friends"?), it's important to take a careful, objective-as-possible look at ourselves and especially the stories we tell ourselves.

And to be clear, it's not important for me. I don't suffer in any way because that woman believed herself to be the victim of racism when she wasn't. Only she and her daughter suffer. And as you say, there's a cost to our health, mental and physical, for being too quick to telll ourselves that story.

That's all I'm saying. If you genuinely don't believe you're ever too quick to do that, this article isn't directed at you. If you think you might be, I'm suggesting, with love, that you think about that.

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Regan:

“But again, my point here is that there are many times when we simply can'ttell when it IS racism. No matter how confident we might be.”

I can't disagree that is certainly true. Such as when the police have pulled over a black motorist.

Often enough, it's for reasons the motorist DOES have problems with their car, or since the tags can be run from the officer's car, the driver is driving with a suspended license and expired registration.

How much the motorist then proceeds to do exactly the worst things you can to escalate a problem, in trying to escape custody BEFORE an officer has been able to know if that person is unarmed.

Then if it ends extremely badly, a whole host of people, including the misery chasing lawyers blow it up that the reason is racist cops.

This has become enough of a socio/political hot zone, serious credibility as to whether the incident was EVER because of race, is lost.

So, I understand you, as this sort of problem is being played out over and over in real time in front of millions of eyes.

Intensifying an issue and perception of what actually happened and why, and inflaming people against their better judgement about it.

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One of the most unshakable truths about human nature is that we don’t like to look inward when there’s a problem.

Black, white, male, female, old, young, most people’s first instinct is to figure out who or what to blame. And the good news for Regan is that there are external factors to blame. 

Racism is not a story in black people’s heads. It takes place in thousands of infuriating ways that are almost impossible to capture on a spreadsheet or quantify in a study.

But as maddening as this is, telling ourselves a false story of ubiquitous racism, only makes matters worse. Because now, we’re compounding the real racism we experience with imagined racism that we can experience as often as our minds can manage.

Having to look within while this kind of frustration comes from without is unfair. Telling ourselves a new story while the world keeps telling us the old ones is hard. But if there's ever going to be a new story about racism, it's up to each of us to start telling it.

Even if, to begin with, we're not sure if it’s true.

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