Well, As A Card Carrying Member Of The Black Community...

If you’ve spent any time talking about social issues online, somebody will have told you that you "just don’t get it". That you’re too “white” or “black” or “straight” or “male” or “female” (or heaven forbid, some combination of these characteristics) to understand.

You’ll have been told that this one person’s “lived experience” trumps any amount of logic or reason or evidence you might have. You’ll have been told that no amount of empathy or compassion can bridge the divide between your different circumstances. You’ll have been told, in short, to “stay in your lane.”

In my article, Is JK Rowling Really A Transphobe?, I stepped out of my “lane” and spoke about trans issues. Melissa politely asked me to step back into it.

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Melissa:

Once again, I am begging non-transgender people to stop telling us what is and is not transphobic.

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Steve QJ:

So only trans people get to have an opinion on somebody’s intent? Do you think that all trans people always agree on what is and isn’t transphobic? How do you square that with the trans people who also don’t believe Rowling is transphobic? Do they get to tell you what is and is not transphobic?

What even makes you think I’m trying to tell trans people what is and isn’t transphobic? Or do you just mean that I’m not allowed to have an opinion on whether Rowling (who isn’t trans) is being portrayed fairly.

I’m wide open to criticism, or to have you point out what I’m missing. I’m genuinely here to listen if you’re interested in having an actual conversation, just as I have been with numerous other trans people before expressing my thoughts. Or is this just an attempt to silence somebody with the old “you just don’t get it,” routine?

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Melissa:

Hey Steve! These are all great questions and thanks for the response. Of course you’re allowed to have an opinion. You’re also a very perceptive author, teasing out meaning and nuance in the history of Rowling and the trans community. The best way I can explain it is this - I’m a white woman. I wouldn’t write an article explaining why a certain policy wasn’t racist toward Black people when it’s been called out by so many Black activists and writers as racist. In other words, I don’t have the full context for how actions affect other communities. And even though white people in general love to do just that, with some of us making a whole career out of it, it’s something I think is wrong on its face. In general, I think the group to whom the action is directed will have the best view on how it affects them. This isn’t to say we can’t all have our own opinions on everything.

To the point of what to do with trans people who agree with Rowling, I will say those people seem to mostly exist in Rowling’s own mind. She’s had some come forward to thank her, she claims. While I’m sure you could scour the globe and find some who do, believe me when I say, as someone heavily involved in the trans community both online and in real life, I’ve yet to meet one. Trans people however, just like any group, aren’t a monolith. There are dozens if not hundreds of articles on this very website explaining why trans people view Rowling’s remarks as deeply transphobic.

In summary, I would say believe it when trans people tell you her remarks are hurtful. Believe us when we tell you they are transphobic.

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“I would say believe it when trans people tell you her remarks are hurtful. Believe us when we tell you they are transphobic.”

I wouldn’t describe myself as a distrustful person, but I am simply not wired to do this. Nor do I think anybody should be. Well…let me nuance that.

Of course, I believe anybody who tells me that they found Rowling’s words hurtful (though, as I say in my next reply, I think that most of the people who are upset with Rowling’s remarks haven’t actually read them).

But the word “transphobic” means something. It is not an article of faith. It’s an accusation that can be considered and verified. The same goes for “racist”, and “violent”, and “harmful”. These aren’t just noises that we get to throw around because we dislike something. They are a part of the common fabric we rely on to describe issues that affect us all. They are important. They are meaningful. The very last thing we should do is take somebody’s word for their existence.

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Steve QJ:

I’m a white woman. I wouldn’t write an article explaining why a certain policy wasn’t racist toward Black people when it’s been called out by so many Black activists and writers as racist.

Well, as a card carrying member of the black community, I hereby grant you permission to weigh in on any race related issues you like. If you take the time to learn and try to understand the issues from multiple angles, I’m sure you could offer valuable perspectives.

I totally reject this notion that empathy and conversation are not enough to allow us to understand each other and talk intelligently about our experiences. As a trans woman, surely you’re making exactly that argument when you weigh in on issues that affect people like Rowling. After all, she’s not trans. And is impacted by these issues in ways that you’re not.

There is no “correct” opinion for black people or trans people or any other “people” to have. No group all thinks the same way. As you say, trans people aren't a monolith. And I have met trans people, personally, who don't think Rowling is transphobic.

Almost every article I've seen regarding Rowling's words is deeply disingenuous. Cherry-picking tiny parts of her essay or her other comments, adding in a healthy dose of the most uncharitable mind-reading imaginable, and then twisting them to sound as hateful as possible. I suspect a significant number of the people who are upset at her haven't even read what she wrote. Which is why I decided to write this.

So if you disagree with me, that’s fine. Let’s talk about it. But non-trans people have every right to a say on this issue that affects trans and non-trans people.

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It’s genuinely maddening (though sadly no longer surprising) that the moment I ask for an honest, open conversation is so often the moment where the other person stops responding.

The thornier issues in society, the same ones that are most in need of conversation and thought and understanding, are the ones many people are least willing to engage with. There’s this idea that if we aren’t directly affected by something, if we aren’t part of the “in-group”, then we should simply keep our mouths shut. We should “stay in our lane.”

But the truth is, there are no “lanes”. Racism, and its consequences, has an impact on all of us. Transphobia, and its consequences, has an impact on all of us. All forms of bigotry, whether based on religion or sexuality or some other arbitrary measure, will eventually have an impact on all of us.

We may not always agree, we may not perfectly understand each other, we may not even like each other. But we do have to live with each other. And that means we can’t afford to think of issues as somebody else’s problem. That means talking. Especially when we disagree.