We Wanted To Be Kind To People Like You

A few days ago, I watched this video entitled, Trans Women Should Be Legally Treated as Women. 

Three brave souls at UC Berkeley, a student, a man who doesn’t reveal his position at the college, and a molecular geneticist, were asked to choose one of the following options with regard to the above claim: 

Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree 

Once they’d staked out their position, they discussed their (and each other’s) reasoning.

Somewhat predictably, the molecular biologist strongly disagreed, the man disagreed, and the student agreed. And while the video is fascinating in its own right, unusually for YouTube, the comments were just as interesting. 

As a writer, I’m always trying to understand people’s reasoning, I’m always looking for parallels and nuance, and I’m always trying to see better ways to approach complicated, emotional issues. The following conversation between a woman and a trans woman offered insights into all three.

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Moonfuzz:

As a trans person I agree 100% with the molecular biologist lady. I can have all the surgery needed to look completely female, but I will never be a genetic female.

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Heisenbug:

you are a man tho, so stop pretending and don't use our spaces

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Heisenbug’s reply reminded me of a thousand conversations I saw at the height of the “racial reckoning” two years ago.

Some white person would leave a supportive comment on an article about police brutality or discrimination or about how all white people are racist, and somebody else, usually, but certainly not always, a “person of colour”, would offer detailed instructions on where they could stick their support.

For some, it became standard practice to judge every white person by the sins of the worst, most racist white people.

Transsexual women, by which I mean males who have been properly diagnosed with the medical condition known as gender dysphoria and who transition socially and surgically to live as women, are in a similar position today. And the tragedy is, it didn’t need to be that way.

As Heisenbug points out in her next reply there was a time when she and many women like her were perfectly happy to be kind to this small, vulnerable minority. But the extremists and the misogynists and the newly-empowered perverts slowly eroded that would-be kindness until “you are a man tho” was all that was left.

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Moonfuzz:

Don't be hateful to others. I know most people don't understand these issues. Personally I try not to use women's spaces because I avoid conflict. When available I use the all gender single spaces. I'm no here to trick anyone or infringe on people.

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Heisenbug:

this whole thing started because we wanted to be kind to people like you. I have never been hostile to men in dresses, I never attacked anyone if anything I used to stand up for "friends" of mine who called themselves "crossdressers" and they were bullied for it. I was the one to shut their bullies up. I have now zero compassion and patience towards any man who puts on a womanface and calls himself a woman. As a man, you wouldn't understand

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“this whole thing started because we wanted to be kind to people like you.”

This line struck me. Both because I’ve heard the same frustration from countless other people, and because, while I understand where she’s coming from, “people like you” is an unfair way to characterise everybody under the “trans umbrella.”

“Trans” encompasses transsexuals (the aforementioned people with genuine gender dysphoria), but also transvestites, autogynephiles, transgender people, non-binary people, and all the would-be victims who mistake subverting gender norms for a personality. 

These people are not all the same.

As is almost always the case, the most disturbing, extreme elements stick in our minds. But as is also almost always the case, the most disturbing, extreme elements don't represent the majority. 

Genuine trans women were already accepted in some women's spaces. And because they were carefully evaluated before being given any degree of legal recognition, this acceptance occurred almost completely without incident. The current trans movement seems likely to completely unravel that acceptance.

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Moonfuzz:

I totally understand your anger. I transitioned in a time when it wasn't widely accepted. These people do no represent the trans community as a whole. I respect women and their spaces I never once believed that by transitioning I would magically become a woman. What is going now needs to be stopped! Women and children are the ones suffering.

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As Mathew Meade eloquently put it on Twitter recently:

The problem [with perceptions of the trans community] exploded when they changed "transphobia" from having ill-will towards trans people to disagreeing with their belief system.

Somewhere along the line, the most influential voices in trans rights activism abandoned persuasion in favour of emotional manipulation, outright intimidation, and the denial of reality. And this has hurt nobody more than the ordinary trans people who are just trying to live their lives.

I’ve seen plenty of trans people like Moonfuzz who don’t want to trick anyone or infringe on people. Who understand that they’re not entitled to women’s spaces or women’s identities. Who would like inclusion but have never tried to demand it.

My “can’t we all just get along” instincts mean I would desperately love to see people like this come to be seen as representative of the “trans community.” Both for the sake of women and trans women. I just hope that when the dust settles, there’s enough support for people like Moonfuzz that we still want to be kind.