1 Comment
User's avatar
⭠ Return to thread
Steve QJ's avatar

"I am here, because two months ago, my 12 year old son shared that, after a lot of introspection, he wanted to change his pronouns to she/him (I know, I did a double take too). This came a month after his adult mentor (they are both autistic) had told my son that he was changing pronouns from she/her to he/him."

Hi there! Welcome, first of all. Yeah, this is an incredibly challenging time for parents especially. The desire to support they children vs the fear of what this ideology might end up doing to them is a horrible place to be.

There is a wide range of advice on the topic of how to support a child who is being exposed to this ideology. Some suggest limiting or removing internet access. Which, if feasible, I think is a good step. There is a wealth of deeply irresponsible advice online. And if your son really is trans, he will be trans without the influence of people only a few years older than him putting ideas in his head.

Others suggest compassionately refusing to use opposite gender pronouns. Scott Newgent, a transgender man, has an interesting take on this (https://youtu.be/iDJ-12h-0Jc?t=311). Scott offers a lot of advice to parents navigating this issue, so I'd recommend checking him out.

But having said all that, the key piece of advice I'd offer is not to become adversarial to your child's exploration. There is sooooooo much rhetoric out there that frames any resistance or questioning as hatred. Your son will inevitably be exposed to it. And it's often used as justification to cut that person out of the process. "Parents just don't understand," turned up to 11.

As with all things, this process will be better if your son always feels that he can talk to you about what he's going through. This doesn't mean you shouldn't explore his thinking with him, but phrasing challenges in the form of questions rather than statements might be helpful.

Children who start questioning their gender later in life are unlikely to be suffering from genuine dysphoria. This is supported by the fact that your son has asked for such unusual pronouns and that the change seems likely to have been precipitated by his mentor. I desperately hope I'm not about to say something ignorant and/or offensive here, but autistic people are also over-represented in the trans/non-binary community and I think it has to do with the greater chance that he'll take certain concepts literally. It's easier, perhaps, to bridge that gap from "this is a girly thing to do" to "this makes me a girl."

Obviously I don't know your son, so sadly I can't give you any definitive advice. But I'd say this; you know your son better than the doctors and therapists that might end up speaking to him in the future. You know him better than his teachers. Listen to and support him, as you obviously will, but I'd leave decisions about medical transition until he's an adult and can really make that decision for himself (again, the video I linked above has some nice insights on this). Puberty blockers are not "completely reversible" as you will likely be told. And once a child has been placed on that medical pathway, they almost always continue on it.

If transition turns out to be right for your son, it's possible to achieve completely convincing results post-puberty. There is no rush. Allow him to take his time. Anybody who doesn't support your desire to do that doesn't seem likely to have his best interests at heart.

Expand full comment