Non-Binary People Don’t Need To Follow Any Rules
In the beginning, there was LGB. And it was good. Lesbian, gay and bisexual people shared a common fight for the right to live their lives free from discrimination and scrutiny and the risk of chemical castration. They wanted the freedom to marry whoever they wanted and have families like everybody else. Simply put, they wanted society to stay out of their private lives.
But on the second day, something strange happened. Another group, T, became inextricably linked with them in many people’s minds. Even though their needs were almost completely unrelated.
Don’t get me wrong, trans people (transsexual at that point) had valid concerns and needs too. They also wanted to live their lives free of discrimination and scrutiny. They wanted safe, legal medical care. They wanted relief from the gender dysphoria that, in some cases, made their lives completely unbearable. But as time has gone by, far from wanting society to stay out of their lives, they’ve demanded it participate in their sense of identity to such an extent that, in some cases, it risked harming women and children.
As the days went by, more (and more) unrelated groups joined the party.
Q, formerly (and still widely) seen as a slur against the LGB community, became an “identity” for anybody who doesn’t (or is even questioning whether they might not) conform to rigid and unflinching notions of heteronormativity and gender stereotypes. And this introduced the world to a rather strange new concept; non-binary people.
In my article, Wait, Isn’t Everybody Non-Binary?, I pointed out that there is no such thing as a “real” man or woman who lives out the various gender stereotypes. There is no archetypal woman or man to whom all others can be compared. And therefore, we’re all somewhere on a spectrum between these caricatures. In other words, we’re all non-binary.
Chevanne didn't appreciate this challenge to the orthodoxy.
Chevanne:
The idea of what constitutes a man or a woman is a social construct that is based on traditional and antiquated value systems that limit gender expression. I’d hardly call non-binary people upholding stereotypes as much as they are using the language they’ve been socialized with to define who they are.
To be non-binary is refusing the those ideals of man and woman and seeking liberation from them. Describing girly or boy phases has to do with how we’re all socialized and not volleying between and outside it. Sure, men can enjoy makeup, but are they seen as still men? Women don’t have to shave but do they receive pushback?
Don’t be deceived that this is about “being ourselves”, because non-binary and trans people face enormous pressure to conform to those socialized aspects of gender presentation. They face violence and discrimination. Threats are par for the course.
I’d invite you to follow non-binary people to see what their actual experience is and what they face “upholding stereotypes”. Get to know the both the fluidity and falsehood of gender. Understand that comfort with socialized aspect of femininity doesn’t make trans or non-binary people part of any problem. They are living as themselves. It is society that is intent on making sure they don’t.
We’re in the insane position in 2022, where ordinary people are tying to argue their way into marginalised groups. They claim that they’re oppressed because they don’t perfectly conform to some stereotype that most of us have long since moved beyond. And then build an new “identity” around that “oppression.”
The monstrosity that is the current “rainbow” flag—transformed from a beautiful, all-embracing rainbow into a hideous chimera of colours and shapes that threatens to eclipse the old rainbow completely—is a perfect metaphor for how badly we’re losing our way.
Steve QJ:
To be non-binary is refusing the those ideals of man and woman and seeking liberation from them.
How is this any different to what any halfway evolved human being is already doing? I refuse plenty of "ideals" of masculinity, lots of my female friends refuse lots of "ideals" of femininity. There's nothing revolutionary about not embracing gender stereotypes. The non-binary movement is around 60 /70 years too late for that! I mean jeez, women in the 50s and 60s were criticised as "not womanly enough" for not wearing skirts!
I already follow lots of nonbinary people. And note that the comments I point to in the article were all made by people who identify as nonbinary. The problem isn't that I haven't listened to what nonbinary people are saying. It's that what nonbinary people are saying is deeply regressive as regards gender stereotypes.
Chevanne:
Yeah, no. Trans and non-binary people are by their existence radical and any casual ways people bend gender ideals is not a fair comparison. The language of gender and what is acceptable is codified by cis people and those committed to heteronormativity and gender conformity, so using that same language to conceptualize something about the selves people decry is not a flaw on the part of the individual but the system at work that is the problem.
Non-binary people uphold themselves. You’re misled about what is means to be non-binary and that it’s not going to be what you want it to be. It’s not (only) gender-bending or androgynous. Non-binary people can look femme or masc. They don’t need to follow any rules. They change their pronouns as their ideals change. Non-binary people are continually under scrutiny and have what people believe their identities should be projected onto them. That’s what I think is happening here.
Non-binary, trans, two-spirit, and third genders are as old as time. It’s not a new idea but a fundamental reality.
Steve QJ:
They don’t need to follow any rules.
Nor does anybody! Again, most people realised this long ago. The scrutiny non-binary people are under is largely scrutiny they've aimed at themselves by claiming that doing what, as you yourself point out, people have been doing for centuries, is somehow new or revolutionary.
Gender non-conformity, long before it was called being "non-binary," was always met with resistance from society. We probably agree that this is a problem. One that has improved significantly in the past 50 years or so and I hope it continues to. But the "non-conformity" part of that is built on the fact that there is such a thing as a man and a woman and they’re expected to conform to the expectations society places on them. Pretending that if you don't meet the stereotypes you're something else, is actually the same restrictive BS, just in different words.
Changing pronouns (for a non-binary person, trans issues are different) is a meaningless linguistic affectation. It's like me choosing to be referred to as "raceless" instead of "black."
Okay, great. So what? Did I smash white supremacy? Did I end racism? Did I even remove it from my own life? Will racists now look at me and not see a black man? If I don't like hip hop and fried chicken, do I need to move to a different point on the "race spectrum"? Or am I still exactly as black as I ever was and it's the stereotypes that are the problem?
Fear not dear readers, I do like hip hop and fried chicken. My spot on the racial spectrum is secure. It seems Chevanne’s mind was put at ease too.
Chevanne:
Lol!! Mmkay.
One of the many problems we have in gender discourse is that so many unrelated issues get muddled together. Usually as an attempt to hide behind the oppression of another group.
Cheyenne repeatedly tries to conflate trans people and non-binary people, even though trans issues (by which I mean issues related to people who suffer from gender dysphoria) are totally unrelated to non-binary issues (by which I mean issues related to people who think putting on makeup means a man isn’t a man, or that choosing not to means a woman isn’t a woman).
If we want to help these different groups, and address their different needs, we need to stop pretending that they’re all the same. And we need to stop indulging the attention seekers who are trying to hijack their issues.
Gender, race, sexuality, there’s supposed to be a day of rest at the end of these issues. A day where we stop finding new and increasingly obscure ways to divide ourselves and learn to live alongside each other in harmony. Unfortunately some people don’t want the days of grievance to end.
"We’re in the insane position in 2022, where ordinary people are tying to argue their way into marginalised groups. They claim that they’re oppressed because they don’t perfectly conform to some stereotype that most of us have long since moved beyond. And then build a new “identity” around that “oppression.”"
This is excellent.
"But far from wanting society to stay out of their lives, they demanded it participate in their sense of identity"
So is this.
I once saw a meme that said something like... If you identify as non-binary, aren't you splitting the world into "binary" and "non-binary," which would be.... another binary?
I think it's totally valuable to continue challenging and defying gender norms. Even questioning why we use different pronouns for people based on our assessment of their sex/gender. But the idea that this is some innate way of being, something that makes you both special and an oppressed class, as opposed to just a political perspective seems- odd.