I want to note a superficially similar but distinct phenomenon.
There are times when it can seem like I am focusing attention mostly on what's wrong rather than what's working.
My partner and I have a name for that: "debug mode". We have both been programmers as part of our history, so we easily grasp the metaphor. A small percentage of…
I want to note a superficially similar but distinct phenomenon.
There are times when it can seem like I am focusing attention mostly on what's wrong rather than what's working.
My partner and I have a name for that: "debug mode". We have both been programmers as part of our history, so we easily grasp the metaphor. A small percentage of a body of code often gets most of the attention for a while - because it needs debugging. The part that works doesn't need attention right then.
We use that term to bring non-judgemental attention to it. Like if we were dealing with some issue in our relationship, we might want to zoom out and spend some time or attention on appreciating the things that work well. Debug mode can be useful, but too much of it can become draining and can negatively affect our emotional perspective. Breaks can be good.
The key difference is that this comes from our focus on fixing the bugs, NOT from becoming emotionally attached to a negative interpretation. Backing off for a while feels more like relaxing and remembering the bigger picture, rather than a let down because we aren't getting our expected payoff from having a negative attitude validated.
So that's the piece of awareness we want to cultivate - am I just in debugging mode (but happy to acknowledge the non-broken facets), or have I become attached to a negative narrative such that I feel disappointed unless it gets reinforced?
To me the negativity of cynicism feels like a coping mechanism, so I try to treat it sympathetically (in myself or others) rather than demeaning it. I liked how you responded in your excerpted dialogue.
"My partner and I have a name for that: "debug mode"."
God, I absolutely love this! I'd love to see this concept in a relationship advice book, although, as you say, it could really apply to any topic.
Yes, absolutely. It's ridiculous to blindly ignore problems or to refuse to address them. It's important to be honest when something isn't working, whether it's in a relationship or society in general. But fixating only on problems very quickly becomes psychologically toxic, and begins to colour your view of *everything* instead of just the areas that need improvement.
I see different uses for cynicism. For some it's a coping mechanism, but for others it's an excuse for passivity. Others it's a way of projecting their personal failures onto society. And for others it's something like an addiction (which is why this conversation reminded me of that talk about addiction to negativity). It becomes something like an identity to some people, until they instinctively resist any view of the world that isn't some version of, "Everybody is terrible. Everything is hopeless. Just give up and be angry."
> "For some it's a coping mechanism, but for others it's an excuse for passivity. Others it's a way of projecting their personal failures onto society. And for others it's something like an addiction."
Is it not possible that all of those ARE coping mechanisms? Ways of numbing out or unconsciously avoiding feared disappointments?
Within myself, I notice that when I start to feel helpless to improve things, fearful of the future, tired of seeing things deteriorate - is when I feel the tug of "F it all, humanity is a failed experiment, I give up".
I try to keep the level of that stuff down to occasional dark humor and wry comments, rather than full blown negativity and cynicism - but I recognize within myself a diluted form of cynicism (or a different but related expression of underlying forces which could instead have led to cynicism?).
Sometimes I instead try to cultivate a Buddhist-inspired detachment from outcome, with engagement in process.
One of the things I've learned over time is that we have more control over our minds than we tend to initially think we have (one of the top tips I'd like to go back in time and tell younger self). One of the ways I keep my love for my partner alive, is to take time thinking about all the things I appreciate, in the present or over our history together. I will think about and discuss problems, but I do not dwell on them, thinking about them all the time. This mixture has a good effect on my mental state.
Likewise, if we are constantly looking for microaggressions and obsessing over remembering them, we will be living an a dark and grim world largely (not entirely) of our own making.
We can affect our minds by being conscious about the stories we tell ourselves. And the neo-progressive ideology encourages telling ourselves some pretty dysfunctional stories. Or more broadly, the cynical negativity you describe can be thought of as "the story somebody is telling themselves" - perhaps as a coping strategy.
"Is it not possible that all of those ARE coping mechanisms?"
Hmm, I guess you could argue that if you say that cynicism is a way of with "coping" with insecurity or resentfulness or passivity. But for whatever reason, I've never really had that instinct to say "F*** it."
Don't get me wrong, there are lots of problems I'm not smart enough to solve, but none that I think there is no solution to. So I'm interested in pulling as many smart people into the conversations as possible until we figure it out. There is nothing humanity can't achieve if we put our collective minds to it.
Funny you should mention Buddhism. An upcoming conversation touches on some Buddhist themes (I'm not a buddhist, but have an extensive background in meditation)! I'd never thought about it that way, but maybe that background helps me avoid getting too sucked in by negativity.
I want to note a superficially similar but distinct phenomenon.
There are times when it can seem like I am focusing attention mostly on what's wrong rather than what's working.
My partner and I have a name for that: "debug mode". We have both been programmers as part of our history, so we easily grasp the metaphor. A small percentage of a body of code often gets most of the attention for a while - because it needs debugging. The part that works doesn't need attention right then.
We use that term to bring non-judgemental attention to it. Like if we were dealing with some issue in our relationship, we might want to zoom out and spend some time or attention on appreciating the things that work well. Debug mode can be useful, but too much of it can become draining and can negatively affect our emotional perspective. Breaks can be good.
The key difference is that this comes from our focus on fixing the bugs, NOT from becoming emotionally attached to a negative interpretation. Backing off for a while feels more like relaxing and remembering the bigger picture, rather than a let down because we aren't getting our expected payoff from having a negative attitude validated.
So that's the piece of awareness we want to cultivate - am I just in debugging mode (but happy to acknowledge the non-broken facets), or have I become attached to a negative narrative such that I feel disappointed unless it gets reinforced?
To me the negativity of cynicism feels like a coping mechanism, so I try to treat it sympathetically (in myself or others) rather than demeaning it. I liked how you responded in your excerpted dialogue.
"My partner and I have a name for that: "debug mode"."
God, I absolutely love this! I'd love to see this concept in a relationship advice book, although, as you say, it could really apply to any topic.
Yes, absolutely. It's ridiculous to blindly ignore problems or to refuse to address them. It's important to be honest when something isn't working, whether it's in a relationship or society in general. But fixating only on problems very quickly becomes psychologically toxic, and begins to colour your view of *everything* instead of just the areas that need improvement.
I see different uses for cynicism. For some it's a coping mechanism, but for others it's an excuse for passivity. Others it's a way of projecting their personal failures onto society. And for others it's something like an addiction (which is why this conversation reminded me of that talk about addiction to negativity). It becomes something like an identity to some people, until they instinctively resist any view of the world that isn't some version of, "Everybody is terrible. Everything is hopeless. Just give up and be angry."
> "For some it's a coping mechanism, but for others it's an excuse for passivity. Others it's a way of projecting their personal failures onto society. And for others it's something like an addiction."
Is it not possible that all of those ARE coping mechanisms? Ways of numbing out or unconsciously avoiding feared disappointments?
Within myself, I notice that when I start to feel helpless to improve things, fearful of the future, tired of seeing things deteriorate - is when I feel the tug of "F it all, humanity is a failed experiment, I give up".
I try to keep the level of that stuff down to occasional dark humor and wry comments, rather than full blown negativity and cynicism - but I recognize within myself a diluted form of cynicism (or a different but related expression of underlying forces which could instead have led to cynicism?).
Sometimes I instead try to cultivate a Buddhist-inspired detachment from outcome, with engagement in process.
One of the things I've learned over time is that we have more control over our minds than we tend to initially think we have (one of the top tips I'd like to go back in time and tell younger self). One of the ways I keep my love for my partner alive, is to take time thinking about all the things I appreciate, in the present or over our history together. I will think about and discuss problems, but I do not dwell on them, thinking about them all the time. This mixture has a good effect on my mental state.
Likewise, if we are constantly looking for microaggressions and obsessing over remembering them, we will be living an a dark and grim world largely (not entirely) of our own making.
We can affect our minds by being conscious about the stories we tell ourselves. And the neo-progressive ideology encourages telling ourselves some pretty dysfunctional stories. Or more broadly, the cynical negativity you describe can be thought of as "the story somebody is telling themselves" - perhaps as a coping strategy.
"Is it not possible that all of those ARE coping mechanisms?"
Hmm, I guess you could argue that if you say that cynicism is a way of with "coping" with insecurity or resentfulness or passivity. But for whatever reason, I've never really had that instinct to say "F*** it."
Don't get me wrong, there are lots of problems I'm not smart enough to solve, but none that I think there is no solution to. So I'm interested in pulling as many smart people into the conversations as possible until we figure it out. There is nothing humanity can't achieve if we put our collective minds to it.
Funny you should mention Buddhism. An upcoming conversation touches on some Buddhist themes (I'm not a buddhist, but have an extensive background in meditation)! I'd never thought about it that way, but maybe that background helps me avoid getting too sucked in by negativity.
The Pareto principle leads to 80% of time spent on 20% of a thing. The 20% gets the most attention. With social issues it's even worse.