If You’re Straight, You’ll Never Truly Understand How Someone Who’s Gay Thinks Or Feels
I’ve never been a fan of the “PERSON A DESTROYS PERSON B WITH FACTS AND LOGIC” school of discourse. Not only because facts and logic don’t destroy people, they help people, but because it incentivises people to be as stubborn, dishonest, and intractable as possible.
After all, nobody wants to admit they’re wrong if it means being “destroyed.” So people “disengage” instead of taking the opportunity to learn. Although, I have to admit, one of today’s participants does kind of get destroyed.
In this conversation from Twitter, Kellie-Jay Keen, a woman’s rights activist, and James Max, a talk show host, explore the boundary between kindness and cruelty, truth and lies, and, of course, man and woman.
Kellie Jay begins with a tweet celebrating James “destroying” himself.
Kellie-Jay:
Happy @thejamesmax destroyed himself anniversary.
Something else that happened whilst I was banned!!
It’s a 14-minute video, so in summary, Kellie and James discuss JK Rowling’s omission from a Harry Potter reunion, debate whether it’s hateful to believe that behaviour doesn’t change sex, and end by touching on (but sadly, never getting around to discussing) what transitioning actually means.
James admits (and demonstrates) several times that he’s not educated on this issue, but I’m not sure he gets “destroyed.” Still, he decides to reply.
And another man, Jeremy, strikes up a conversation.
James:
But a year on, and somewhat wiser on the subject, one thing is clear to me. I was right about you and your views.
Jeremy:
How so?
James:
I may not have expressed it well. But to say someone cannot change sex. Or that biological sex is a binary definition is to marginalise a (very small) section of our society. And that we need to think about how we respond to sexuality in a more considered manner.
“to say someone cannot change sex. Or that biological sex is a binary definition is to marginalise a (very small) section of our society.”
I’d like to pause to lay out the claim that James is making here. He's arguing that to state uncontroversial biological truths is to marginalise a section of society.
And so, to avoid this cruelty, we must lie.
But the truth is, human beings cannot change sex. And we’d know this, even if it weren’t blindingly obvious, because some animal species can.
For example, as anyone familiar with trans discourse will know, clownfish can change their sex. Clownfish are all born male, they travel in communities with one dominant male, one dominant female and a few immature males, and when the female dies, the dominant male changes sex, becoming female, and one of the immature males takes his place.
They do this without exogenous hormones or surgery. They do this for reproductive purposes only. And when they do it, they change from one sex to the other. As in, there are two. As in, biological sex, even in unusual cases like the clownfish, is binary.
Jeremy:
No one is being marginalised. Anyone can act in their life as they so wish but when a very, very small minority tell nearly half the world's population what a woman is (or isn’t) something has gone wrong.
James:
That’s a view. Not one shared by everyone. Regardless of whether you think you’re right. And that’s the issue here.
It seems that James’ fundamental problem is that some people have been taught to feel uncomfortable about biological facts. And therefore, it’s unkind to state those facts. But isn’t it less kind to demand that the world lies for your validation? Can’t we accept trans people without pretending that a woman is just a feeling? Don’t women also deserve to have their identities respected?
Kellie-Jay returns to drive this point home.
Kellie-Jay:
I don’t believe you think you’re right.
James:
What I think we all need to understand is that other people may not share our certainty over who we are. For example, empathise as one might, if you’re straight, you’ll never truly understand how someone who’s gay thinks or feels.
Kellie-Jay:
So a man can never know what it feels like to be a woman.
Ooof. You won’t be surprised to hear that James chose to “disengage” at this point.
It’s been pointed out a thousand times that modern social justice activism is often logically inconsistent. And this is especially true of trans discourse.
James is perfectly capable of understanding that straight people and gay people will have different experiences of the world (straight people don’t “come out”, there‘s nothing novel about “straight representation” in the media, straight people can get married or hold hands or even kiss in public anywhere in the world).
But he doesn’t seem to understand that men and women also have different experiences of the world. Arguably more different,
To say that trans women are not women is not to say that they don’t or shouldn’t exist. It’s not to say that they should face discrimination. It’s not hate. It’s to recognise the fact that male and female human beings, regardless of how they feel inside, are different in some ways. And those differences are meaningful enough to need a name.
Nobody can be marginalised or victimised or “destroyed” by these simple truths. Nobody with any integrity should fear them. After all, only things that facts and logic can destroy are lies.
Olivia was a friend, we never had sex, and asked me to take him out because I was one gay man who came across as completely straight and was physically intimidating enough to halt an altercation short of fisticuffs should things have gone pear-shaped, as they didn’t.
But we were close enough that I felt moved by the disappointment.
Oh Steve- it's uncanny how often you speak my mind. Indeed, nobody with any integrity should fear facts and logic and truth, because all they destroy are lies. And often we have to empathetically and diplomatically sneak fact, logic et al into a discourse in order not to scare the audience away- because lies are easier and because promoting lies often makes you look like a "nice" person. Whereas sticking to facts and logic and not relativizing them is frequently interpreted as being obstinate, partisan or , worst case, cruel. Admittedly, it is sometimes hard to courteously and compassionately stick to facts and logic while communicating with people who just make shit up as they go along( but weirdly still expect others not to lie to them, people to stop at traffic lights, their doctor to not harm them and all the other wonderful conventions humanity has in place). Go figure.