Thank you for the Medium article and this exchange with Michael. I grew up in a very religious environment, and I would never have imagined we'd be having these debates about sex and gender. Man was man, and woman was woman, and marriage was between and man and woman – period. There really wasn’t a debate. My mind evolved over time as it…
Thank you for the Medium article and this exchange with Michael. I grew up in a very religious environment, and I would never have imagined we'd be having these debates about sex and gender. Man was man, and woman was woman, and marriage was between and man and woman – period. There really wasn’t a debate. My mind evolved over time as it relates to gay marriage, mainly because as religious people speak of the “sanctity of marriage” they fail to mention how dysfunctional marriage is with a not so great divorce rate (though divorce isn’t a barometer for a bad marriage – there are plenty of bad marriages where the couple remains married out of fear or convenience). A bad marriage/divorce can have a detrimental impact on children. Because hetero marriages haven’t been a model for whatis good or bad, I’m not sure we can state that gay marriage is bad. In the end, I’m most interested in providing strong family units for our youth, regardless of their makeup, and therefore, there’s nothing stopping me from supporting gay marriage. There may be some flaws in my logic, but it’s where I’m at.
I was recently thrust into the gender debate when my eldest child (born male), at the age of 24, mentioned that their preferred pronouns were 'they/them', and that they'd be embarking on a journey to figures things out, as they’re not so sure themselves. They had hesitated telling me for several years because of our religious background and their fear that perhaps I would not be accepting. I had made it clear that although I did not fully understand what they were going through, that my love was unconditional, and that I would support them however I could.
As a result, I've sort of embarked on my own journey to figure out what is what, and what my position statement should be if I’m ever asked the question, though the very idea of “figuring out what is what” may be a never-ending journey. It’s such a complex topic, and poses an incredible societal challenge. Heck, even as I write this I find myself going back to what I wrote earlier to make sure I used the correct pronouns to describe my child (even using “child” ilo “son” is weird). I’m sure I missed one here or there…
Now, if I understood you correctly from the article, sex is sex (based on whether you produce sperm or eggs), and that is a matter of biology/science, yet gender can be fluid, in the sense, that how we identify ourselves, or how we behave can be independent of our sex (I hope I got that right). I think that’s where I find myself today. I may not fully understand (I may never) the fluidity of gender, or how it feels being trapped in a body that does not align with my gender; however, that shouldn’t stop me from treating people with respect and dignity (on the flip side, my lack of understanding shouldn’t give someone the right to label me a bigot or anti-trans). We are all humans who have lived somewhat different lives with unique experiences that have shaped who we are and how we reason. What I believe is good for me may not necessarily be good for someone else. If we could just all acknowledge this, and be more compassionate with each other, I believe it would help us navigate the choppier waters.
Keep up the great work, Steve. I truly appreciate the patience you exhibit with some of your commentators. I wish there were more of you out there!
"Now, if I understood you correctly from the article, sex is sex (based on whether you produce sperm or eggs), and that is a matter of biology/science, yet gender can be fluid, in the sense, that how we identify ourselves, or how we behave can be independent of our sex"
Yes, gender *is* fluid. There's no cast-iron set of rules defining what a "man" is with regards to how he should behave or what he can wear or who he should love. There's nothing preventing a man from wearing a dress or makeup except for arbitrary societal expectations. And indeed, in many cultures, men *do* wear "dresses" or paint their faces and it's considered the height of masculinity. I'm more masculine than some men, less masculine than others (heck, I'm less masculine than some women), but I'm still a man. Until very recently, this was simply a way of saying that I was an adult with a penis.
As for the idea of being trapped in a body that doesn't align with your gender, this is a concept I struggle with too. But as you say, that's no barrier to treating people with respect and dignity. And yes, I think that saying somebody is a bigot because they have questions about the deeply metaphysical question of what it means to be "trapped in the wrong body" is ridiculous. It would be crazy *not* to have questions.
Ultimately, we're all on a journey to "figure things out". We're all going to express our maleness or femaleness in unique ways. I don't think there are any wrong answers. But I also don't think there are any permanent answers that won't shift and change throughout our lives. I think young people today are being sold this gender ideology as a way of *solving* these issues of identity, and it's a pipe dream. Life is just complicated. Instead of figuring out how to be a "man" or a "woman" they'd be much better served figuring out how to be themselves.
Thank you for the Medium article and this exchange with Michael. I grew up in a very religious environment, and I would never have imagined we'd be having these debates about sex and gender. Man was man, and woman was woman, and marriage was between and man and woman – period. There really wasn’t a debate. My mind evolved over time as it relates to gay marriage, mainly because as religious people speak of the “sanctity of marriage” they fail to mention how dysfunctional marriage is with a not so great divorce rate (though divorce isn’t a barometer for a bad marriage – there are plenty of bad marriages where the couple remains married out of fear or convenience). A bad marriage/divorce can have a detrimental impact on children. Because hetero marriages haven’t been a model for whatis good or bad, I’m not sure we can state that gay marriage is bad. In the end, I’m most interested in providing strong family units for our youth, regardless of their makeup, and therefore, there’s nothing stopping me from supporting gay marriage. There may be some flaws in my logic, but it’s where I’m at.
I was recently thrust into the gender debate when my eldest child (born male), at the age of 24, mentioned that their preferred pronouns were 'they/them', and that they'd be embarking on a journey to figures things out, as they’re not so sure themselves. They had hesitated telling me for several years because of our religious background and their fear that perhaps I would not be accepting. I had made it clear that although I did not fully understand what they were going through, that my love was unconditional, and that I would support them however I could.
As a result, I've sort of embarked on my own journey to figure out what is what, and what my position statement should be if I’m ever asked the question, though the very idea of “figuring out what is what” may be a never-ending journey. It’s such a complex topic, and poses an incredible societal challenge. Heck, even as I write this I find myself going back to what I wrote earlier to make sure I used the correct pronouns to describe my child (even using “child” ilo “son” is weird). I’m sure I missed one here or there…
Now, if I understood you correctly from the article, sex is sex (based on whether you produce sperm or eggs), and that is a matter of biology/science, yet gender can be fluid, in the sense, that how we identify ourselves, or how we behave can be independent of our sex (I hope I got that right). I think that’s where I find myself today. I may not fully understand (I may never) the fluidity of gender, or how it feels being trapped in a body that does not align with my gender; however, that shouldn’t stop me from treating people with respect and dignity (on the flip side, my lack of understanding shouldn’t give someone the right to label me a bigot or anti-trans). We are all humans who have lived somewhat different lives with unique experiences that have shaped who we are and how we reason. What I believe is good for me may not necessarily be good for someone else. If we could just all acknowledge this, and be more compassionate with each other, I believe it would help us navigate the choppier waters.
Keep up the great work, Steve. I truly appreciate the patience you exhibit with some of your commentators. I wish there were more of you out there!
"Now, if I understood you correctly from the article, sex is sex (based on whether you produce sperm or eggs), and that is a matter of biology/science, yet gender can be fluid, in the sense, that how we identify ourselves, or how we behave can be independent of our sex"
Yes, gender *is* fluid. There's no cast-iron set of rules defining what a "man" is with regards to how he should behave or what he can wear or who he should love. There's nothing preventing a man from wearing a dress or makeup except for arbitrary societal expectations. And indeed, in many cultures, men *do* wear "dresses" or paint their faces and it's considered the height of masculinity. I'm more masculine than some men, less masculine than others (heck, I'm less masculine than some women), but I'm still a man. Until very recently, this was simply a way of saying that I was an adult with a penis.
As for the idea of being trapped in a body that doesn't align with your gender, this is a concept I struggle with too. But as you say, that's no barrier to treating people with respect and dignity. And yes, I think that saying somebody is a bigot because they have questions about the deeply metaphysical question of what it means to be "trapped in the wrong body" is ridiculous. It would be crazy *not* to have questions.
Ultimately, we're all on a journey to "figure things out". We're all going to express our maleness or femaleness in unique ways. I don't think there are any wrong answers. But I also don't think there are any permanent answers that won't shift and change throughout our lives. I think young people today are being sold this gender ideology as a way of *solving* these issues of identity, and it's a pipe dream. Life is just complicated. Instead of figuring out how to be a "man" or a "woman" they'd be much better served figuring out how to be themselves.