Are We All Supposed To Walk Around On Eggshells?

Okay, yes, I caved. I wrote about “The Slap.”

This glittering spectacle of flesh against flesh captured the public imagination like nothing I’ve seen since…well, the last time a celebrity did something stupid. But this incident wasn’t interesting because of what it said about celebrities. It’s interesting because of what it reveals about us.

In my article, He Got In One Little Fight, I asked why we’ve accepted the idea that celebrities, just because they’re rich and famous, are considered fair game for “jokes” that most of us wouldn’t tolerate. After all, how many of us would sit quietly and laugh at jokes about our marriage problems or our health?

I found this conversation with Jay fascinating. Not only because of the strange twists and turns it takes along the way, but because it reveals a common feature of our motivations for picking sides.

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Jay:

I thought it was a pretty good joke. She has a shaved head and it looks like exactly what he said, she could play GI Jane. Which on a side note could have been taken as being kind of bad ass. And I have no idea the extent of her alopecia as it’s none of my business. Despite that she’s talked about it publicly several times. Along with her infidelity, on her own show, in front of Will, which left him visibly upset. 🤔

But she clearly has a shaved head, not a bald head. I know this bc my brother has alopecia, and he has a bald head. Along with no other hair whatsoever. Eyebrows, lashes, nose hair, nada. While that may not be relevant what I can tell you is that it’s an incurable disease and if he hadn’t learned to laugh about it then idk what he would have done.

Which is probably why Will started laughing. Bc it was kind of funny. And then he saw her disapproval. Oh no. He better do something lest she fuck one of their kid’s friends again. So what kind of a person feels entitled enough to get up in the middle of a live awards show and attack the person on stage? Because the whole thing is about them? Right right? Fuck the other actors, musicians, designers, the deaf community being honored, Questlove being honored, literally right then, nope. Will worked waaaaaaaay harder than all those other chumps so he can do whatever pops into his hair covered head. Fantastic. Now this is all people are talking about.

Fortunately I got a glimpse of his narcissistic bullshit when they did the fresh prince reunion and he “apologized” to the original aunt Viv. Oh wait, that felt like total bullshit too, and he admitted he was acting like an entitled asshole, but still couldn’t bring himself to recognize the true scope of his destruction when he told people she was “difficult” to work with. And as anyone who watched that special knows, she has a theory about what that phrase will do to a black woman’s career.

So you’ll have to excuse me if I seem a tad skeptical. Because quite honestly it seems like the only thing that’s really changed is that the mask slipped for a second and we got to actually see the narcissistic asshole underneath. Hopefully all those people who appeared to be “consoling” him were actually giving him the name of their therapist. And divorce lawyer.

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Steve QJ:

Oh no. He better do something lest she fuck one of their kid’s friends again.

😅 I laughed way harder at this than I probably should have. Luckily Jada isn't here to scowl at me.

Yeah, I don't know, maybe this is a little sexist of me, but I have more sympathy for a woman losing her hair. I think it deserves a little more sensitivity. Jada looks fabulous with a shaved head in my opinion, but society shines a real spotlight on women's looks. Especially celebrities. And the fact that it wasn't a choice but a medical condition just makes the joke feel mean.

It's one of those things, everybody will respond differently, but I do think making fun of something like that in front of millions of people is a dick move. Slapping him for it is even more of a dick move though.

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Jay:

Well, idk if this changes anything for you, BUT 😂 Actually before my “but” I’m going to say that I completely think that women and black women in particular are completely overlooked and maliagned by society in general. It’s fucking horrific and people need to stop acting like that isn’t happening. However…

When my brother first got alopecia and was self conscious and insecure about it my parents bought these hair pieces from Australia that cost like 5 grand a piece. They used a mold that was made from his own head and only for him. It was made from real hair, he could choose hair styles, it was crazy, you couldn’t tell he had no hair.

And I’m just trying to be real here. She had options. If it made her uncomfortable or she’s insecure about it, she didn’t need to show up at the freaking Oscar’s, and sit at the front table in this uncomfortable state. I’m not saying people wouldn’t know but at least she can avoid attention. There’s no fucking way she’s showing up to the Oscar’s with a shaved head, sitting in front of the stage, and not being noticed. And if her feeling was, I’m am a secure woman, this doesn’t bother me, this doesn’t define me, then that is awesome. That’s exactly how I hope someone would feel. But if that’s not how you feel, and you’re uncomfortable and insecure then why the hell would you put yourself in that situation? It makes no sense to me.

She has a billion dollars more or less. I’m pretty sure she can afford crazy awesome hair pieces, way better than the ones my brother had. But she didn’t. Instead she sent the message that she was cool with it, accepted it, was stronger than her disease, however you want to describe it. I guess what I’m saying is, if you take into consideration all these things, the disease, the occasion, the front row seating, you’re basically saying, Hey! Look at me!

And then someone goes, hey yeah, I see you. Cool. You look like GI Jane. And then you’re like, how dare you!! You filthy, disrespectful comedian!!! You’re disgusting and rude!! It’s like…. what..?… but you… and you’re totally owning it… so.. I mean chris rock’s face can basically complete my thought here. Anyway. That’s how I see it 🤷🏻‍♂️

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“And then someone goes, hey yeah, I see you. Cool. You look like GI Jane. And then you’re like, how dare you!! You filthy, disrespectful comedian!!! You’re disgusting and rude!!”

When somebody wants to attack somebody else, but isn’t sure how to justify it, they’ll often exaggerate the crimes of the offending party. It’s such a common feature of online discourse that it’s easy to miss. So let’s be crystal clear:

Jada made a face.

She didn’t call Chris Rock “filthy” or “disrespectful.” She didn’t ask “how dare you?” She didn’t call him “disgusting and rude.” Heck, she didn’t even get visibly angry. She made a face and shifted in her chair.

I find plenty to dislike about Jada. Her flaunting of her and Will’s private life is gross. Her behaviour often demonstrates a complete disregard for Will’s feelings. From the outside looking in, it’s very hard to figure out why Will is still in that relationship.

But Will, and Will alone, is responsible for his reaction at the Oscars. Whatever’s going on behind the scenes, I don’t think it’s fair to place the blame at Jada’s feet here.

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Steve QJ:

if that’s not how you feel, and you’re uncomfortable and insecure then why the hell would you put yourself in that situation?

But what are you saying here? That if a woman isn't ready to have her looks judged by the public at any moment she should hide herself away? Is it unreasonable of her to expect to be able to go out without one of the presenters commenting on her appearance? As, if I'm not mistaken, every single other man at the Oscars that night did?

I completely disagree that sitting in the front row (and bear in mind that the setting may have just been allocated) was somehow "asking for it."

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Jay:

I’d say that it’s becoming obvious that all this is just becoming a matter of opinion, but I feel like you’re trying to compare two extremes with that comment. Do I think she needs to “hide herself away”? And then, she can sit without someone commenting on her appearance. No offense but I’m just going to assume you kind of tossed out that reply without any real regard for its integrity. Which is fine, I think we’re all tiring of this conversation.

But obviously I never said she should hide herself away. I said if she was that uncomfortable with her condition, that someone bringing attention to it publicly, while she was in an extremely public setting that has an infamous history of mildly roasting the attending celebrities, she had very reasonable options to avoid attention to that particular feature. And let’s just also keep in mind that she has gone public with insanely personal things in the past, that did not only affect her. So if you’re trying to get me to see her as a victim, I doubt that’s going to happen.

There was a short interview on the pbs newshour tonight with two people who expressed their views on this situation. And one of them said that Chris rock’s comment was a verbal assault. Bc he said, I’m looking forward to seeing you in GI Jane 2. That was a verbal assault. Mhmm.

To me, this is why the left will never win over the the right. Bc there is a segment of the left that makes statements that are as ridiculous and absurd as the conservatives on the right. If you can’t be reasonable and rational then there is always going to be something to ridicule. And then your “side” is never going to fully succeed or be taken seriously. That’s our fate as humans. Our inability to just be reasonable and rational. On either side of the spectrum.

It almost seems like we’ve gotten to the point where a woman can say a man sexual harassed her bc he asked her out and she didn’t want him too. Okay man. How else does dating work then. Are we all supposed to walk around on eggshells? I’m not undermining that there are shitty, harassing guys out there, but it feels like we’ve reached a point of just absurdity. Anyone now can just be like, that offends me, and we’re all supposed to swoop in and cry foul. Even if it’s absurd.

Honestly. To me, this entire thing is a disgrace to the women who are actually maligned and mistreated. It devalues their abuse. It devalues the real abuse toward women of color by calling this a “verbal attack” or “verbal abuse”. I would like to say it’s ridiculous, bc it is, but it’s also coming dangerously close to offensive for people that have really been verbally attacked and verbally abused.

I never said “she asked for it”. And I would never, ever say those words under any circumstances. But if you’re going to open yourself up to being poked fun at, which imo is what that was, nothing more, then you should just chuckle along with your husband. There was no malice that I could tell, or a desire to hurt or cause pain. It was an offhand joke that is being blown insanely out of proportion and unjustly resulted in an outrageous and unacceptable reaction. Both by will smith and the people ranting about the offensiveness of Chris rock. But hey. That’s just like, my opinion, man.

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“It almost seems like we’ve gotten to the point where a woman can say a man sexual harassed her bc he asked her out and she didn’t want him too.”

And here, I suspect, we arrive at the real problem. When somebody seems disproportionately angry about an issue (especially when that issue doesn’t affect them in any way), they’re probably angry about something else (that they feel does affect them).

We’ve gone from exaggerating Jada’s reaction to a joke to suggesting that women will lie about being sexual harassed if they don’t find the guy attractive enough. The exaggeration of the former is necessary to justify his fears about the latter. It’s hard to take Jay’s concern for “real abuse” seriously when he considers himself the sole authority on what “real abuse” is.

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Steve QJ:

No offense but I’m just going to assume you kind of tossed out that reply without any real regard for its integrity.

No, I didn't toss it out at all.

"...if you take into consideration all these things, the disease, the occasion, the front row seating, you’re basically saying, Hey! Look at me!"

This is you claiming that she's "basically saying 'Hey! Look at me!'" because she has a disease (which obviously isn't her fault) attended the Oscars (with her husband who was nominated) and sat in a front row seat (which was probably allocated). What exactly was she supposed to do differently? How should she have avoided this without hiding away in the back somewhere? Put on a wig so Chris Rock could make wig jokes instead?

It’s possible to be insecure about something, go out anyway instead of letting it control your life, and not expect people to make fun of it. Would it be okay if Rock made fat jokes about an overweight celebrity? Or disabled jokes about a disabled celebrity? I’m not calling it a “verbal assault,” I’m saying it’s mean. And Jesus Christ, does everything have to be about the Left winning or losing against the Right? I’m saying the joke was unnecessary and mean and that Will’s overreaction was unacceptable. Both of these can be true at the same time.

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Jay:

I don’t think you actually read my comment. But whatever. All good ✌🏼

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Jay’s instinct is to blame Jada for failing to laugh at a joke made at her expense. Or, at least, for failing to remove herself from an environment where she, as a female celebrity, might have her appearance scrutinised (aka; the entire world).

Because the alternative is admitting that women, even women who aren’t particularly nice, should be treated with basic respect.

Celebrities act as proxies for our own battles. They offer a rich, glamorous canvas for us to project our insecurities and frustrations onto. But while it’s often said that we’re too invested in celebrities’ flaws, what if the real problem is that we’re not invested enough in our own.